we were together for 8 years. 6 years of marriage and 2 years before that. he had a very strong personality and it was hard to argue with him. he was a master in twisting the meaning of my words and in making me feel bad. like everything was my fault. like i was and never will be good enough.
in the beginning i obeyed, because i thought that since he’s older, he’s more experienced than i am. So he must be right and I must be wrong. later on it was just out of habit or because i became more and more tired of arguing – and losing every argument.
after a while he stopped listening to me completely. occasionally he would ask me for my opinion but still do what he thought was best. that’s when I realized how alone i was. because when you live with someone who doesn’t care about your opinion, it’s as if you don’t exist.
for years i told myself to suck it up, because there are women out there who have it much more worse than i do. i used to tell myself that i have no right to complain because he doesn’t hit me – so what is there really to complain about.
and although i told myself more than once that enough is enough, it took me another year until realization hit me. that if i stayed in this relationship, all of me will be gone. that moment was a year ago. and slowly but surely the things i like (to do) come back. i feel better on the inside. i look better on the outside. i have the most devoted friends and a loving family. and finally i found what i’ve lost 8 years ago – me.
i love my son on any given day but sometimes i hate being a mother.
you do not love all the time, in exactly the same way. it’s an impossibility.